I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Randomize
