I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm both gender and math confused
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
