But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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