walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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