After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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