I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
