I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
and you fell through a lawn chair
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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