omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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