you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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