True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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