I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
