he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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