I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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