I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
