just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
