If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
