He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
