If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
