At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
