I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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