i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
