you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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