one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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