You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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