Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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