bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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