Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
