Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is Oprah even human
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
