Me. At least after what I've been through.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
