Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
