Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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