im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
