Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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