The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
