shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
