Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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