the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
