What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
