she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Everclear isn't food dammit
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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