I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
