I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
