Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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