we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
