she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize