I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
