Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
