why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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