I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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