Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
