She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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