Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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