mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
