What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
