I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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