he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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