When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
