the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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