I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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