thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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