Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
