im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
