Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
