yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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