So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
